Amazing women I cannot date.

I know women who can run the parliament and give you enough reason to choose Chilli Paneer over Tandoori Chicken. I know women who pretend to be coconuts but melt like ice-cubes. I know women who are no different than Jai, Veeru, Chulbul Pandey and Rowdy Rathore. I also know women who are dainty, alluring, who write well and speak little. I know artists, poets, lawyers, financial analysts and extremely capable home-makers. In fact, I know women who are mothers! Some can knit, cook and create home-made wax, for well, waxing. Some are tactless and sincerely innocent. While some think, they are the cat's whiskers.

Some have beautiful voices, some are actors and some have never even read Enid Blyton. Hot headed, fickle, affectionate, moody, entertaining, quiet,talkative, loving, sentimental, clumsy, graceful – my amazing women can make your day or wish you never had met them in the first place.

Each of them is a gem and they sure as hell, rock my world! I’ve made a list of interesting snippets from our conversations ranging from deep to bizzare. This list will definitely have more additions. As for now, enjoy the Excess Estrogen!


Me: I can never learn from my mistakes.
Maharaj Kakkar ki Jodha: Our mistakes make us interesting. And in life, we meet people who make us feel there’s nothing wrong in that. Sometimes, we are loved for our mistakes.

Me: Hum ek baar jeetein hain, ek bar marte hain. Shaadi bhi ek baar hoti hai, aur pyaar… humein kyun nahin hota, yaar?
Miss Pumpkin Pumpkin: Kyunki tumhe thappar se nahin, pyaar se darr lagta hai!

Me: Happy Valentine’s Day!
Skinny Bony Alley: Yeh ishq nahin aasaan, itna samajh lijiye. Ek aag ka dariya hai, aur doob ke jaana hai.

Me: No, that line should have been the parting line in Goa!
Miss Trunchbull: Aacha, I take it back. Reserved for Goa, sad scene moment. Shobai train-e uthe aachi, and C is standing at the station. Dadu is holding your hand and not letting you go. And you are semi-crying, saying ‘mujhe jaane do buddhe’. And then he finally lets you go. We smile through our tears. C Jiju spreads his arms and nods his head in utter joy!



Miss MC BC CC: Watching Dil Chahta Hai. I feel, I was an Aakash, then I became a Sameer and right now, I’m like Sid.
Me: I’m still stuck at being Aakash.
Miss MC BC CC: If you can, skip being the Sameer part of it, it’s pointless.
Me: Come to think of it, Aakash had a bit of all three.
Miss MC BC CC: Yeah, and that’s why he was the lead.

Me: I have a feeling, we’re going to become BIG one day.
Bobby Da Dhaba: Yeah, we’ll be like the three women of Sex & the City. We’ll be rich, hot, slim, care-free with arm candies.

Kitty: Whales have calves,
Cats have kittens,
Bears have cubs,
Bats have bittens,
Swans have cygnets,
Seals have puppies,
But guppies just have little guppies.

Me: Kittens kittens everywhere
Kittens chewing on my hair
Kittens climbing up my jeans
Kittens hanging from the screens
There's a kitten on each shoulder
Will they do this when they're older?
Kittens fighting on the chairs
Kittens tumbling down the stairs
There's a kitten on my head
There's a kitten in the bread!
There's a kitten in my shoe
I don't believe we just have two.

Me: First, you were NUTS about Shaky, then you were BOLTS about Nachi, but finally you SCREWED J**! Nuts, bolts, screws. You’re like the perfect TOOL KIT.
G3: Wow, you make me sound so portable. Take it, pack it, shove it, and move it.

Miss Mishtu Shona: Listen, it’s your 24th birthday. You’re freaking 24!
Me: Yes. What are you getting me?
Miss Mishtu Shona: Your first kiss! I think I only have to kiss you!

Me: This is Peter Cat. You need to try their sizzlers here.
Wobbly: I’m scared to order sizzlers.
Me: Why?
Wobbly: What if I get burnt?

Video: Aacha, mera engagement Hyatt mein hai.
Me: Hyatt! Tum maru log itna kharcha kyun karte ho, bey?
Video: Arre, maru log mein karna padta hai. Varna problem ho jayega community mein.

A strange thing happened when I shampooed.

As far as I know, the day began with me grumbling. I had to cancel my plans with my baby niece and head to work like a normal Monday on a lovely Saturday. But before that, I stopped at a parlour for a nice, inspiring hair massage.

I know creative ideas are spotted in bathrooms. Inspiration can also be derived from politicians, messages can be decoded in dreams, love can be found in tattoos, reflection can be sought in malaria, but forgiveness while you shampoo?

While Mr Black T-shirt muscled his fingers to wash my hair, I let it all go. There were too many people living in my head, rent-free. Today, I politely asked all of them to find another place of living. I thought, it wouldn’t be easy at first, considering most of them hadn’t paid their dues. And honestly, I was a little tired trying to remind myself of who did what and when and why and how could she and how dare he?

I usually hold on to a grudge till I exact my revenge. I’m not the one to say, ‘I forgive you, we’re friends again.’ I’m the one that says, ‘Serves you right.’ But today, I’m ready to be the forgiving, more mature, sensible, charitable or whatever ugly-ass word you call it, kind of person. Now, that doesn’t mean we’re friends again. That certainly doesn’t mean, we can jingle to old times. That just means, I’m done with your loud music in my head and I need to turn off the noise, so that I can listen to better stuff.

So, there. You’re free to be with those who value you. You’re free to be with those who love you and care about you. You need to realise, that I’m not the one to catch you when you jump off a bridge. I’ll be the one at your funeral, saying, ‘We were really close in school’, or ‘He really was a star footballer’. So, there, get out of my head and invade the minds and hearts of those who understand you, trust you and protect you.

Tomorrow, if you swallow a bitter pill, there won’t be a thousand trumpets blowing in my heart.
Tomorrow, if you call for help, there won’t be a special prayer to see you fail or watch you run into a golden unicorn.
Tomorrow, will be easy and ordinary for the both of us.

We’re not friends anymore, remember that. But I’m okay if you wish to have an icecream sometime.
And there I was - done with my excess baggage. And my shampoo.